Help me, Randa! | in conversation about booty calls 🍑 ☎️

yes, you read that right

hey hotties!

i’m back with the third edition of the monthly advice column. below, i respond to a scorpio down bad over an older guy who treats her like garbage 😡

then, i bring in two hot singles–reply guy and handsome hitchhiker–to be In Conversation About Booty Calls 🍑

have a question you’d like to submit for next time? you can do that here.

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I’m a (newly) 25 year old 🦂 woman who is currently down bad over an older guy. This fossil is a) someone who I was initially extremely lukewarm towards and b) aggressively pursued me. Now that we’ve hooked up a bunch of times over the last couple of months, he seems to have fully lost interest… which only piques mine. Wtf is wrong with me that it takes a guy treating me like garbage to be attracted to him? What did I do wrong that led to this inversion of our dynamic??? PLEASE HELP ME, RANDA!!💔🆘💔

Dear 25W Scorpio Down Bad,

There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you’ve developed feelings and gotten attached to this guy over time, which is a very human and dare I say *normal* experience. You say that he treats you like garbage, which is totally unacceptable and not your fault. No one should treat you that way, assuming you’re not behaving like trash. I’d suggest we bury this fossil back into the ground where he came from.

You ask what you did wrong that led to the inversion of your dynamic. Do you want to be aggressively pursued by someone you’re lukewarm about? It’s great to give people a chance if we’d otherwise rule them out for superficial reasons (like their height or what school they went to), and I’m sure Mr. Fossil has some redeeming qualities, but we shouldn’t keep seeing him just because it feels good to be chased. In fact, in the worst case scenario, an aggressive pursuit could be a manipulative tactic known as love bombing. Rather than preserving the dynamic you had before, maybe we can find a healthier, more mutual dynamic with someone new.

How do we do that? In the early stages of dating someone, you can take it slow. Getting to know someone through conversation and having sex are two emotionally risky activities that create feelings of attachment. But one of these activities can help you decide if you want to date the person, and the other can be a false positive. Good sex doesn’t necessarily lead to healthy relationships.

I’m not saying you should stop having sex, just that it can cloud your judgement about a person. When you inevitably do have sex, ideally you discuss what you expect from each other regarding things like communication and how often you’d like to see each other. Otherwise, what you’re doing is functionally polyamory but without any of the communication or trust that poly relationships require to be successful.

Anyway, I didn’t exactly mean to go on a tirade about sex, but to bring us back–it’s 👏🏽  not 👏🏽 your 👏🏽  fault 👏🏽  that you were treated like this. Drop his Jurassic Park ass back into prehistoric times and find somebody who treats you like treasure, not trash.


How do I go from a booty call to something more?

Reply Guy: This whole thing is reminding me a lot of a passage from the updated intro of Noam Chomsky and Edward Herman’s manufacturing consent. In the roughly 15 pages I read, Chomsky points out that major media outlets will pose certain questions that are impossible to disagree with. The example he gives is something like “do you support our troops?”. The idea I think is that simply asking the question is already shifting the debate arena into a certain direction. Anyway… that is what is happening here. The question is not, how do I go from a booty call to something more….the question is how do I make the best of the insane (but randomly cool and exhilarating) predicament of sleeping with someone who I’ve never like, seen chew food before? And to that, I’d say maybe try weird sex positions or something.

Handsome Hitchhiker: While I think you are constructing your own little media manipulation scheme by forcing us to compare the question “how do I go from a booty call to something more” to “do you support the troops'' under the guise of Chomskian analysis, I actually do completely agree with where you end up. I think the entire world can be reduced to two types of people: people who like to have sex BEFORE they’ve seen somone chew food and people that feel more connected during sex AFTER they’ve seen their partner chew food. If you are finding yourself not comfortable in a booty call setup, you probably fall into that latter bucket. Ask them out and if they say no or dub you, it means they don’t want to see you chew your food 

RG: Ok but what about this, nobody likes having sex with people they sort of dont really know. But the BCIC dangles this option of casual sex and gives it this fun little name. This is classic propaganda model stuff.

HH: What does BCIC stand for?

RG: Booty Call Industrial Complex. Its shorthand for a cabal of powerful people and organizations (Hillary Clinton, etc.) that are determined to keep us booty calling

HH: Got it... so we’re clear, I totally disagree with you about people not liking casual sex. I’ll say this, even if booty calls are a propagandistic crusade by elite technocrats, i do think that managing the profound dread that surrounds communication and casual sex is a very real human experience. The biggest piece of ideology in all of this for me is the narrative that in order to be perceived as cool, we have to take pleasure in booty calling/being booty called, which sucks because it is kind of true, as you said earlier. It is definitely aesthetically cool. It’s so fucked up. It’s also such a fucked up sounding little word

RG: I wish I could revirginize

the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out next year. in the meantime, follow hot singles on instagram:

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