Help me, Randa! | post-smooch ghosting and meeting people IRL

and Reply Guy is back to talk about jealousy

hey hotties!

it’s time for round 2 of the monthly advice column. with halloween coming up, i went spooky with it–we’re talking about ghosting. i also throw in some tips for meeting people IRL. and since he was such a hit last time, Reply Guy is back to help us deal with jealousy. have a question you want me to answer? click here.

stay hot 🥵

-randa

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help me randa!!!

after a post-covid-adrenaline-fueled hinge marathon, i finally decided to do romance the old-fashioned way, meeting friends of friends at parties. 

anyway, it worked - got some numbers, made some new friends, kissed some guys and gals. but i keep hitting the same wall. after they show interest (say, a simple make out sesh followed by the winking TEXT ME TOMORROW), they just ghost. 

i get it: we’re young, people ghost, i do it too sometimes. but i’m used to being ghosted BEFORE people show interest. i can take a hint and i’ve been a part of enough one-night things where i don’t read too much into a kiss and run anymore. but it’s happened a few times now, where i get a lot of enthusiasm off the bat, then go out on a limb and text my friends roommate, or whoever, just to get no response. and no, i’m not texting them long paragraphs at like 9 AM the next day. 

what can i do, randa! is my text follow-up game no good? does a post-party smooch signal “i’m not serious” to people? do i just give off intimidatingly serious husband vibes? help!

lots of love,

casper the friendly ghosted

Hey Casper,

It’s sooooo admirable that you took it upon yourself to meet people IRL. Everybody loves to complain about how the apps suck, but not many of us actually take action. Big fuckin kudos to you. I hope everyone reading this is inspired by your example.

I would not take this ghosting bonanza as a pattern implying that you do something to scare people off. Based on this fun and well-written message you sent me, I expect your text follow-up game to be pretty damn good. And what’s wrong with smooching after a party? I can’t say whether you give off “intimidatingly serious husband vibes,” but if you are looking for a serious relationship, then it’s great that your energy matches your intentions. Your vibe attracts your tribe ;)

One change you could make is to literally ask the person out at the party instead of smooching and texting them the next day. What if you do a lil post-party makeout, and then say, “Hey, are you free this week, maybe Tuesday night? Wanna get a drink with me?” I bet you’d be able to get a better read on the situation by seeing their reaction in the moment instead of waiting by your phone. But hey, they might still agree to a date, and then ghost. Sometimes you’re just two ships passing in the night.

What else can you do? Culturally, we’re kinda starved for third spaces–public places where people go to just hang out. I have a handful of friends who are above-average friendly who go to the same bar all the time and chat it up with the regular crew, but most people don’t do that.

So how does this fit into your life? You need to harness the energy of an overzealous 22 year old who just moved to the city. Join a kickball team. Take clown classes. Ask your barista what their sign is. Muster up the courage to talk to those people doing Capoeira at the park. The point is to put yourself in a space where you’ll meet new people and get to know them over an extended period of time. Most of the stuff you try won’t stick and you’ll probably meet a bunch of weirdos in the process, but you might meet some cuties too.

Sorry this is mom-level advice but… it’s kinda back to basics human connection stuff. Sitting at home or hanging out with the same friends all the time and then avoiding eye contact with strangers is not how you meet a love interest. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but it seems like you’re embedded in this spooky community of friendly ghosts, and we’ve gotta break the spell somehow.

-randa

I get jealous when my boyfriend is around other beautiful women. What should I do?

Great question...one way to overcome jealousy is to know more than your partner about the zenith of “post woke” or “post woke adjacent” media coming out of Dimes Square right now. It's certainly a circuitous path to overcoming jealousy, but it WORKS! How? Easy. Next time your boyfriend is talking to a hot girl, all you need to do is say something like “yea I heard the scary 61st was transformative and kind of nu-punk” and all the hot girls will talk to you instead of your boyfriend. If that doesn’t work, you can allude to your boyfriend recently retweeting a dan pfeiffer take or that he is like following barack obama on instagram. Hot girls hate this kind of thing. 

- Reply Guy (@lexaprotools)


the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out on november 24th. tell me your cuffing szn anxieties:

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