hey hotties!
weâre back with the fifth installment of the monthly advice column. this one goes out to all the shy girls hiding their feelings because theyâre scared. we talk about how flirting is actually just confrontation, and how you kinda just have to ask for what you want. i also brought in expert sharer of feelings, Aspiring MILF, to weigh in on the topic.
stay hot đ„”
-randa
Dear Randa,
I have the disease where I never want to be the one to pursue the guy (so juvenile, I know). It gets me into the kind of situationship where I feel insecure about showing interest/don't know how interested the guy is, so I pull back, and then he thinks I'm not interested in him, and then it just ends. It's a vicious cycle!
I know this avoidant behavior is rooted in me having put effort into relationships only for them to fizzle out. Tbh, I'm not really afraid of rejectionâI'm afraid of feeling dumb. To add to the mix, I'm very non-confrontational. Why do I feel like asking someone what their intentions are/what they're looking for would be a put off? But why should I be the one who asks what someone's intentions are? Why can't they ask me! Maybe they're thinking the same thing? Help me, Randa!
Love,
Non-confrontational bb
Weâve all been there. Showing interest in someone we like is one of the most vulnerable things we do. Being vulnerable is scary.
You give a lot of reasons for why you donât pursue a guy. You say that itâs juvenile, youâre non-confrontational, your past efforts havenât worked, youâre afraid of feeling dumb, and that indicating interest might put him off. Letâs unpack all this.
The idea that guys should be the first to indicate interest is one that was planted in our heads probably by Disney or something. And now weâre in this equal rights era where weâre supposed to subvert gender norms, which I think is what youâre referencing when you call your behavior juvenile. In reality, indicating interest is a delicate little dance of indirect communication, otherwise known as flirting. Some people, irrespective of gender, are better at this dance than others. You could say flirting is the fun version of confrontation.
It sounds like youâve considered your fear of confrontation and that you might be rejected, but youâre still afraid of feeling dumb. That if he doesnât want to date you, it might mean something bigger about your lack of adeptness and ability to understand social cues. To this, I ask:Â
Sure, in a perfect world, weâd have no confusion around whether someone were interested in us. But if you ask a few couples, youâll find plenty of stories of how one of them wasnât sure if the other liked them back. Itâs a tale as old as time. Getting rejected doesnât mean youâre dumb and have bad social skills. Everyone goes through this confusion at one point or another.
I asked a bunch of hot singles if theyâd ever been the first to make a move or say they wanted more. My favorite response came from Aspiring MILF:
âI literally have zero self control with these things so if I like someone itâs almost impossible for me to be subtle about it. Obviously that results in me pursuing guys first relatively often, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, but if it wasnât successful it probably never would have been so thatâs just life.â
Clearly, Aspiring MILF is not shy. And she understands that putting yourself out there doesnât guarantee success. The most important part of her quote is the last bit so Iâm going to repeat it: if it wasnât successful it probably never would have been.
Youâre not going to put him off by asking about his intentions. If a guy likes you and is interested in something more, heâll be relieved you want the same thing. If not, then now you know. Waiting longer wonât change his mind, but it will waste your emotional energy that you could spend on literally anything else. Why do you have to be the one to ask? Because youâre the one who wants it.
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