Help me, Randa! | i'm lonely but afraid of losing my independence
and a special guest tells us what to ask on a first date
i’m super excited to share the first edition of the monthly advice column. this is very much an experiment, so i’d love to hear what y’all think–reply and let me know :)
this week i’m helping a 24 y/o hottie who thrives alone, but feels a little lonely. i also called in hot singles alum Reply Guy to give his first date tips. have a question you want me to answer? click the big orange button ⬇️
stay hot 🥵
i am 24, single, always have been, and seemingly always will be (my dating life is bleak if not non-existent). i do want to be in a relationship someday, but i also have become SO used to and comfortable with the life i've built for myself (with myself) that trying to factor in another person into my routine/habits/lifestyle seems daunting and maybe impossible (and maybe even thinking about this is a waste of time because i have, well, no prospects). so i guess therein lies my dilemma – i am lonely and crave partnership, but at the same time terrified that i won't be able to thrive in it. where do i go from here?
First of all, congrats on building a satisfying lifestyle at 24 (I know, not fully satisfying)–to be so young and have your shit together is rare and something to be proud of. Do you remember learning about inertia? A body in motion stays in motion? A body at rest stays at rest? You’re probably experiencing some of that when it comes to how you think about dating.
Considering that you seem content with the life you’ve built, I have to assume that you’re a go-getter who has gotten through a tough situation or two. You say factoring in another person seems daunting and maybe impossible. But you’ve made shit happen for yourself before, so why is this any different?
You clearly value your independence, so you won't get into a relationship unless it feels easy to fit into your life. You might be surprised at how smoothly you can slip into something meaningful when you’ve met the right person. You’ll figure out how to maintain aspects of your lifestyle, routine, and habits, while also integrating your partner into these things. You’re probably going to have to compromise in certain ways, but for most of the human race, these compromises are worth the connection, support, and joy that you get from being with somebody who really understands you.
I’m a big fan of trying on beliefs to get myself to do something for some temporary amount of time. Why not make a conscious choice to test out a new belief–that you would be able to thrive in a relationship, that it might even enhance your experience of life?
You might find that a shift in perspective (some call this “manifesting”) will lead you to meeting someone who is worth a little bit of compromise. And they might add something new to your life that you never could have experienced alone.
Now, if you’re still with me, you might be thinking, “Okay Randa, sure, I’ll change my attitude, but I don’t believe in ‘manifesting’ and I told you that my dating life is bleak and I have no prospects.” I’ll save my dating app tips and ways to meet strangers for another time, but I will share something that I say to all my friends lamenting their lack of IRL romantic attention.
Many of us suffer from this expectation that someone is just going to pick us out of a lineup (or the subway, or a party) and say, “You! I want to date you!” When that doesn’t happen, we tell ourselves that something is wrong and we’ll be alone forever. I’m here to tell you that being approached randomly like that only happens to people with exceptionally symmetrical faces or really cool outfits, and even when it does happen, the odds that the person approaching is actually a good match are still low.
For those who are still holding out to meet someone the “old fashioned way,” I’ll leave you with this:
What questions should I ask on a first date?
When asking a question on a first date it’s all about options. You have no idea which kind of insane person is sitting next to you drinking a Peruvian twist on a traditional Gimlet. So always have a backup plan. Ask a question like “what do you think of new gawker?” and if they look at you like they have no idea what you just said, repeat something that sounds similar but is a more palatable question like “so, do you feel like a new yawrker?”. Maybe try something like “this place reminds me of Clandestino” and if they are confused, pivot to “what are your thoughts on Childish Gambino?”. This type of thing works really well.
the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out on october 27th. let’s make it spooky: