Help me, Randa! | i'm lonely but afraid of losing my independence
and a special guest tells us what to ask on a first date
hey hotties!
iâm super excited to share the first edition of the monthly advice column. this is very much an experiment, so iâd love to hear what yâall thinkâreply and let me know :)
this week iâm helping a 24 y/o hottie who thrives alone, but feels a little lonely. i also called in hot singles alum Reply Guy to give his first date tips. have a question you want me to answer? click the big orange button âŹïž
stay hot đ„”
-randa
i am 24, single, always have been, and seemingly always will be (my dating life is bleak if not non-existent). i do want to be in a relationship someday, but i also have become SO used to and comfortable with the life i've built for myself (with myself) that trying to factor in another person into my routine/habits/lifestyle seems daunting and maybe impossible (and maybe even thinking about this is a waste of time because i have, well, no prospects). so i guess therein lies my dilemma â i am lonely and crave partnership, but at the same time terrified that i won't be able to thrive in it. where do i go from here?
First of all, congrats on building a satisfying lifestyle at 24 (I know, not fully satisfying)âto be so young and have your shit together is rare and something to be proud of. Do you remember learning about inertia? A body in motion stays in motion? A body at rest stays at rest? Youâre probably experiencing some of that when it comes to how you think about dating.
Considering that you seem content with the life youâve built, I have to assume that youâre a go-getter who has gotten through a tough situation or two. You say factoring in another person seems daunting and maybe impossible. But youâve made shit happen for yourself before, so why is this any different?
You clearly value your independence, so you won't get into a relationship unless it feels easy to fit into your life. You might be surprised at how smoothly you can slip into something meaningful when youâve met the right person. Youâll figure out how to maintain aspects of your lifestyle, routine, and habits, while also integrating your partner into these things. Youâre probably going to have to compromise in certain ways, but for most of the human race, these compromises are worth the connection, support, and joy that you get from being with somebody who really understands you.Â
Iâm a big fan of trying on beliefs to get myself to do something for some temporary amount of time. Why not make a conscious choice to test out a new beliefâthat you would be able to thrive in a relationship, that it might even enhance your experience of life?
You might find that a shift in perspective (some call this âmanifestingâ) will lead you to meeting someone who is worth a little bit of compromise. And they might add something new to your life that you never could have experienced alone.
Now, if youâre still with me, you might be thinking, âOkay Randa, sure, Iâll change my attitude, but I donât believe in âmanifestingâ and I told you that my dating life is bleak and I have no prospects.â Iâll save my dating app tips and ways to meet strangers for another time, but I will share something that I say to all my friends lamenting their lack of IRL romantic attention.
Many of us suffer from this expectation that someone is just going to pick us out of a lineup (or the subway, or a party) and say, âYou! I want to date you!â When that doesnât happen, we tell ourselves that something is wrong and weâll be alone forever. Iâm here to tell you that being approached randomly like that only happens to people with exceptionally symmetrical faces or really cool outfits, and even when it does happen, the odds that the person approaching is actually a good match are still low.
For those who are still holding out to meet someone the âold fashioned way,â Iâll leave you with this:

What questions should I ask on a first date?
When asking a question on a first date itâs all about options. You have no idea which kind of insane person is sitting next to you drinking a Peruvian twist on a traditional Gimlet. So always have a backup plan. Ask a question like âwhat do you think of new gawker?â and if they look at you like they have no idea what you just said, repeat something that sounds similar but is a more palatable question like âso, do you feel like a new yawrker?â. Maybe try something like âthis place reminds me of Clandestinoâ and if they are confused, pivot to âwhat are your thoughts on Childish Gambino?â. This type of thing works really well.
the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out on october 27th. letâs make it spooky: