this week’s hot single isn’t a dad but he’s got plenty of fatherly jokes. he’s a real thoughtful guy too, which you can tell based on what animal he would choose to be. this rye humorist is looking for a curious woman who cares about justice and doesn’t mind a little pun about bread every now and then. could you be the butter to his toast?
stay hot 🥵
p.s. the advice column is back next week… got dating questions? send them in ⬇️
if you were an animal what would you be and why?
People can get very personal about this question, but it’s time to admit that there’s one objectively best animal to be: a goose. I have no particular love for geese, but I know a fulfilling life when I see one. You get to see the whole continent from above with all your friends flying in formation, and spend downtime swimming around in lakes and ponds and absolutely terrorizing local humans with your trademark honk. Like most animals, they don’t have to deal with Capitalism, email etiquette, or living too far from a laundromat, which only sweetens the deal. The two worst things that can happen to you as a goose are getting made into an overpriced coat and being sucked into an airplane turbine, both of which are pretty cool ways to go.
what’s your superpower?
It’s more of a King Midas style superpower/curse situation, but it has to be dad jokes. It’s hard to tell if they’re voluntary or not, but I let them fly fast and often.
I respect the classics, like responding to “I’m hungry” with “Hi Hungry, I’m [insert name],” but I think it’s important to keep advancing the genre. The new avant-garde is incorporating the last thing you heard into a pun and incorporating that pun into existing song lyrics. Ideally you’re among friends and can sing half-baked parody songs back and forth to each other for hours instead of having a real conversation, which is every dad’s dream.
😈 what’s your toxic trait?
Never wanting to go out to brunch because I think I can make it better at home (I can). I’m sorry, but my best day-drinking days are behind me and I love the first meal of the day too much to entrust it to a restaurant that has to prepare hollandaise by the bucket.
🥵 what makes you hot?
I embody the enduring appeal of an old Jewish man in a slightly younger, half Jewish body. I can kvetch with the best of the Boca Raton set and it takes a Chanukah-level miracle to see me out past 2 AM, but beneath the stubborn exterior is a combination of earnestness and wry (rye?) humor that’s hard not to love. If that fails, I’m not too proud to fall back on my height and big cheesy smile.
🔎 who are you looking for?
A woman who will water me once every 7-10 days, make sure I get adequate indirect sunlight, and re-pot me every year or so depending on growth. If that’s too much to ask, I appreciate women who go to great (even potentially inconvenient) lengths to pursue intellectual curiosities and have a strong sense of justice (political, social, environmental). Sense of humor must include sarcastic clapping when one of my jokes doesn’t land.
🙋🏻 if you’re interested in this week’s hot single, respond to this email or send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org with a photo and a little bit about yourself :)