today, we’re celebrating the first anniversary of hot singles’ hottest couple.

jillian, aka crossword cutie, was featured on hot singles in late august of 2021. about a month later, her interest was piqued by future merman, aka max, so she sent a response:

and the rest is hot singles history! i recently caught up with them on a video call to get the scoop on their love story. read about their first date, toxic traits, and more below.

stay hot 🥵

-randa

randa: Can you guys tell me about your first date?

max: Very fun and very classic and straightforward. Jillian was like 30 minutes late and very, very nervous about it. 

jillian: I was really sweaty. And then I was really stressed about how sweaty I was.

max: I think there's a kind of air of mystery and clout where you're like, oh, this person was on Hot Singles, they're probably cool. And if they're cool, and they're late, then they're doing something cool and that's why they were late. That was my thought process at the time.

jillian: I was changing my tank top like four different times. That’s what I was doing. And then, I had just quit my job and started a new one and as I was talking about it every single one of my old coworkers walked by and then came over like, “Oh my god are you guys on a date?” and they all were sweet and from across the room being like, “He’s really cute!”

max: We made out at Alibi. Honestly a great place to make out. I would earnestly plug it.

randa: When did you guys know that this was a thing?

max: I was very into it from early on and I remember like, telling friends after the first date like, damn, I fucked that up. I'm probably never gonna see her again, which is sad because I really liked her. 

jillian: Yeah after the first date I had a weekend with my friends and it was very fun to be like, I got news! I went on a date and I really liked him and here’s his Hot Singles profile. And then yeah like a month in, I think we both were like wow, this is something more than maybe we expected.

randa: Do you guys remember each other’s Hot Singles profiles?

jillian: Back in the day it was one of my most visited web pages because I was like, I’m dating this guy.

max: “Some 1-Down 4-Across The Table Flirting” comes up all the time. My family loves it and talks about it.

randa: Was there anything in particular about each other’s profiles that stuck out to you?

jillian: His answer about what subculture he was involved in was sort of disarmingly honest and personal in a way that I don’t think it had to be. It was just an immediate, oh I feel like I know something serious about you, and that took me by surprise.

max: You did a very good job of being like: smart, hot, cool. Because there’s no way to know if someone is nice or a good person or a real human being from one of these. But you’re like, I’m in a band, I’m good at crosswords, and then the photos.

jillian: Yeah I was like, he’s really handsome, he seems sincere, and he’s funny.

max: What I do remember is the “bring me to a party and I’ll make friends all over the place.” Neither of us are really good at that.

jillian: When I wrote that it was true.

max: You also never listen to or talk about Radiohead.

jillian: You're not a mediocre swimmer. That's a lie. I think you're a very good swimmer. You're a strong swimmer!

randa: On that topic, has Max made any progress on his goal of being a swimmer in the Rockaways?

jillian: I don’t know about that but we’ve gone swimming a bunch together.

max: Yeah, I think we’re very aquatic for living in New York.

randa: What sorts of aquatic things have you done?

jillian: On our second date we went to the beach which was weird because it was October. We drove to the Rockaways kind of early and went to a deli and got some bagels and had a little beach picnic. We saw some dolphins. What other aquatic stuff have we done?

max: We went to Mexico and did a bunch of beach stuff, we went to the Rockaways a ton.

jillian: We went to California, we hit swimming holes upstate.

max: What else?

jillian: I don’t know. I want to swim in every type of body of water with you. After my friend’s wedding we swam in the Delaware River. We got rivers, we got swimming holes, we got oceans.

randa: Jillian, what do you think Max’s toxic trait is?

jillian: He loves to play things by ear. When are we meeting? We’re gonna play things by ear.

max: Valid point. I think you could have gone harder.

jillian: I don’t know, you’re not toxic.

randa: Max, what do you think Jillian’s toxic trait is?

max: You are too wonderful and too nice to too many people. And then that sets you up to be annoyed by people who are not able to meet you at your level. 

randa: Jillian, what makes Max hot?

jillian: Oh my gosh, I mean everything about you is hot. I love how deeply you love the people in your life and how much you truly show up for people and I feel really lucky to be included in that. That’s such a hot quality of genuine care and affection and showing up in big ways for others. He’s really good at chopping things. He’s so good at mincing and chopping garlic. It’s really sexy. I’m thinking. Feel free to jump in.

max: Every single time I see a Razor Braids show (Jillian’s band), it reminds me of this feeling, which is what my answer is to what makes Jillian hot. I think people who are really talented can be jerks about it, or distance themselves from others, or feel some need to affirm how good they are. And Jillian is really talented and wonderful at a lot of things, but does it in a very inclusive way where it’s more self-assured and not about how she needs to be perceived. She does the things that she loves to do in a graceful way. And that’s super hot. She has big beautiful eyes. I love the eyes.

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we’re taking a break from classifieds to get back In Conversation, this time about anxiety in dating. i gave Reply Guy and Handsome Hitchhiker the week off and invited NPR Supporter to chat with me about this ever-relevant topic. i won’t push it, but the comment section is open if you have a bone to pick with us…

stay hot 🥵

-randa

p.s. classifieds will be back next week. submit one here!

How do I reduce my anxiety in the early stages of dating someone?

Ben (aka NPR Supporter):

As one of the most anxious and self-sabotaging daters on the planet, I’m really excited to be having this conversation. I know that when I start dating someone and I like them, it’s so easy for me to jump right into “they’re perfect, I need to be with them, I don’t want to mess this up, am I messing this up?” And I’ve also definitely been caught up in not being able to accept that I like someone, and that anxiety comes from over-analyzing what my feelings come from – do I like this person for them or do I just like them because I’m repeating an old harmful pattern? What about all these red flags? Are those red flags really red flags or am I just looking for any flaws? They have good attributes too! Green flags! But are their green flags green enough to out-red the red flags, neither of which I’m sure are real?? Sometimes I wonder why I’m paying for a therapist when I can incessantly therapy-talk myself to death instead. 

I think both forms of this anxiety stem from not wanting to get hurt. Since in today’s world we don’t have to worry about getting eaten by a lion or anything, we have way more energy to devote to those worry narratives, thus dating anxiety. Maybe to reduce our anxieties we should all go do a month of survival camping to remind us what actual problems are. 

Randa:

Totally. It sounds like you’ve read a lot about attachment theory, and I agree that the anxiety stems from avoiding getting hurt. I love this camping idea. Maybe Hot Singles should host a survival camping week for people who have attachment issues. We could A/B test therapeutic strategies and put one group of singles in therapy and release another group into the woods with no supplies…

Anyway, when it comes to idealizing someone, I find that it’s helpful to make a list of all of their bad qualities. They don’t necessarily have to be dealbreakers or red flags, but just stuff that makes your object of affection more human and less god-like to you. If you’re the kind of person who finds faults and overanalyzes whether someone is good enough, then you gotta do the opposite and make a list in your Notes app of all the good things about this person you’re seeing. And then you need to live and die by this list.

Ben: Sounds very avoidant of you!! I definitely understand where that’s coming from – it’s good to reality check your feelings about a person or a situation. But how many successful marriages started with a list of their flaws in the other person’s notes app? I think it’s good to be excited! We need to let our guards down when we date! I know I’m guilty of letting good connections die because I fixated on some perceived flaw or thought it wasn’t right for some reason I concocted in my head.

There’s a Mitch Hedberg joke I think of all the time:

I like to drink red wine. This girl says "Doesn't red wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually! But the first and the middle part are amazing." I'm not gonna stop doing something 'cause of what's gonna happen at the end. "Mitch, you want an apple?" "No, eventually it'll be a core."

I think we’re all a little guilty of throwing out the apple before it becomes a core. You can’t know for sure how things will turn out! But if you’re clinging to the apple because it looks like it’s a perfect apple, but you can’t tell it’s really the perfect apple, and what happens if it doesn’t meet your expectations of an apple? I don’t think you should convince yourself the apple sucks and never eat it. Eat the freaking apple! I think we know how to tell the difference between an apple with a weird mushy spot and a fully rotten one, and even if it’s a bad apple, trust that you’ll be ok.  

Randa: How ‘bout them apples…

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • submit a missed connection • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles on twitter • follow hot singles on instagram • follow your dreams 😘

you might remember Hot Singles In Conversation, when Reply Guy and Handsome Hitchhiker discussed booty calls. this week at hot singles HQ*, a new topic has sparked disagreement: is it appropriate or morally Good to send a happy birthday text to your ex? in honor of my recent birthday, i’ve brought the boys back to tackle this thorny topic.

their opinions are only the beginning of the discussion. i’ve opened up the comment section for the rest of us to chime in. let us know what you think:

get into the conversation

stay hot 🥵

-randa

*hot singles HQ is an amorphous set of group texts and social settings within the greater hot singles community

Should you text your ex Happy Birthday?

Harry (aka Reply Guy):

Randa this is a great question. I want to first say that this question is no trivial matter. Your ex’s birthday is an extremely important day. It feels biblical to me. Every year you get to stare at your phone, and sort of game theory out what it would feel like to be back dating your ex. This happens to everyone, and maybe a working theory I have is that the shorter you spend dwelling on that idea, the more over them you are. 

I think the best way to figure out what you should do is to grab a white board and game theory it out. Here is a template:

One final caveat: If you dated for less than 3 months, i want to be crystal clear, you need to forget what day they were born. This is better for everyone involved. Just follow them on IG for the rest of your life and never text them again. 

David (aka Handsome Hitchhiker):

Thanks for bringing this up, Randa. I agree with Harry – it’s a good question. That’s probably all I agree with though, and I’ll keep my response brief. I think it’s a question we all think about WAY too much. 

I do really appreciate his flow chart approach, so I’ll build off of that. I think he started from the wrong first question. The first question at the top of the chart needs to be: did you end it?

has this discussion moved you? do you have a different approach? join the conversation:

Leave a comment

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • submit a missed connection • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles on twitter • follow hot singles on instagram • follow your dreams

we’re back with the fifth installment of the monthly advice column. this one goes out to all the shy girls hiding their feelings because they’re scared. we talk about how flirting is actually just confrontation, and how you kinda just have to ask for what you want. i also brought in expert sharer of feelings, Aspiring MILF, to weigh in on the topic.

stay hot 🥵

-randa

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Dear Randa,

I have the disease where I never want to be the one to pursue the guy (so juvenile, I know). It gets me into the kind of situationship where I feel insecure about showing interest/don't know how interested the guy is, so I pull back, and then he thinks I'm not interested in him, and then it just ends. It's a vicious cycle!

I know this avoidant behavior is rooted in me having put effort into relationships only for them to fizzle out. Tbh, I'm not really afraid of rejection–I'm afraid of feeling dumb. To add to the mix, I'm very non-confrontational. Why do I feel like asking someone what their intentions are/what they're looking for would be a put off? But why should I be the one who asks what someone's intentions are? Why can't they ask me! Maybe they're thinking the same thing? Help me, Randa!

Love,

Non-confrontational bb

We’ve all been there. Showing interest in someone we like is one of the most vulnerable things we do. Being vulnerable is scary.

You give a lot of reasons for why you don’t pursue a guy. You say that it’s juvenile, you’re non-confrontational, your past efforts haven’t worked, you’re afraid of feeling dumb, and that indicating interest might put him off. Let’s unpack all this.

The idea that guys should be the first to indicate interest is one that was planted in our heads probably by Disney or something. And now we’re in this equal rights era where we’re supposed to subvert gender norms, which I think is what you’re referencing when you call your behavior juvenile. In reality, indicating interest is a delicate little dance of indirect communication, otherwise known as flirting. Some people, irrespective of gender, are better at this dance than others. You could say flirting is the fun version of confrontation.

It sounds like you’ve considered your fear of confrontation and that you might be rejected, but you’re still afraid of feeling dumb. That if he doesn’t want to date you, it might mean something bigger about your lack of adeptness and ability to understand social cues. To this, I ask: 

Sure, in a perfect world, we’d have no confusion around whether someone were interested in us. But if you ask a few couples, you’ll find plenty of stories of how one of them wasn’t sure if the other liked them back. It’s a tale as old as time. Getting rejected doesn’t mean you’re dumb and have bad social skills. Everyone goes through this confusion at one point or another.

I asked a bunch of hot singles if they’d ever been the first to make a move or say they wanted more. My favorite response came from Aspiring MILF:

“I literally have zero self control with these things so if I like someone it’s almost impossible for me to be subtle about it. Obviously that results in me pursuing guys first relatively often, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, but if it wasn’t successful it probably never would have been so that’s just life.”

Clearly, Aspiring MILF is not shy. And she understands that putting yourself out there doesn’t guarantee success. The most important part of her quote is the last bit so I’m going to repeat it: if it wasn’t successful it probably never would have been.

You’re not going to put him off by asking about his intentions. If a guy likes you and is interested in something more, he’ll be relieved you want the same thing. If not, then now you know. Waiting longer won’t change his mind, but it will waste your emotional energy that you could spend on literally anything else. Why do you have to be the one to ask? Because you’re the one who wants it.

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles on twitter • follow hot singles on instagram • follow your dreams 😘 

hey hotties!

last week, i asked hot singles instagram followers to share their biggest dating challenges. nearly half the responses had something to do with being tired of apps and wanting to figure out how to meet people offline. so today, i’m sharing some meet-cute stories sourced from the hot singles community. maybe they’ll inspire you to approach a stranger too…

stay hot 🥵

-randa

p.s. ICYMI, hot singles alum Possible Psychic gave us a peek into his life right now

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How do I approach someone IRL?

Something is happening to all of us who came of age when dating apps started existing. In 2013 or so, Tinder was kinda a joke. To go on a Tinder date was sort of an ironic, at best, dangerous, at worst, activity. But now we’ve all done it except for the steadfast (sometimes volcel) luddites, with wide-ranging results.

Those of us who have been at it for years talk about dating apps like veterans who’ve been through war. To think of going back on the apps incites feelings of being drafted back into some kind of involuntary work that we first thought was the right thing to do but now triggers something close to a PTSD response. So we’re resolving to do something different, and meet people tHe oLd FaShIoNeD wAy.

But we’re left wondering how the fuck to even do that. Two contributing factors seem to have rendered us all socially inept: COVID and fear of seeming creepy for doing something normal like approaching a stranger. And there’s always social anxiety and fear of rejection. For those of us who are willing to put ourselves out there, I’ve asked a few friends to gives us some meet-cute inspo:

send them soup

Don’t send them a drink. Send them whatever they’re eating. Or even something they aren’t eating. Send them the weirdest thing on the menu.

get lost and ask for help

We’re always on our phones when we’re walking around outside, and especially when we’re trying to follow directions to get somewhere. If you let yourself get lost and look up, maybe you’ll find somebody who can help.

I was on my way to this obscure yiddish concert and had to go through this bus station. I had no idea where I was going or what I was looking for. The station was huge and mostly empty. I was about to give up when I saw this guy wandering, also looking lost. I walked up to him and asked him if he knew where this thing was. He said yes he was going there too but he was lost too and we sort of wandered around together looking for it and at some point he’s like “I’m Alex.”

look at their phone

On the flip side, a stranger’s phone can be an entry point into a conversation. Take a peek next time you’re on the subway.

I noticed that the person sitting next to me on the subway and I were both listening to Donda (the day after it came out so everyone on that subway car was probably listening to it), and I tilted my phone to show him my screen. We both had headphones in so I figured we'd just silently laugh in acknowledgement, but he got my name and Instagram handle (lol) and we exchanged numbers later that night. We actually did end up meeting up a few weeks later and started hanging out.

leave them a note

Ever had a cute neighbor? Don’t let them slip away. Find their door and leave them a note.

and lastly, an idea to try from Reply Guy:

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles on twitter • follow hot singles on instagram • follow your dreams 😘 

have a question you’d like to submit for next time? you can do that here.

stay hot 🥵

-randa

p.s. i’m working on growing the hot singles instagram following which will help us get cool venues and sponsors for future parties. you know what to do ⬇️

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I’m a (newly) 25 year old 🦂 woman who is currently down bad over an older guy. This fossil is a) someone who I was initially extremely lukewarm towards and b) aggressively pursued me. Now that we’ve hooked up a bunch of times over the last couple of months, he seems to have fully lost interest… which only piques mine. Wtf is wrong with me that it takes a guy treating me like garbage to be attracted to him? What did I do wrong that led to this inversion of our dynamic??? PLEASE HELP ME, RANDA!!💔🆘💔

Dear 25W Scorpio Down Bad,

There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you’ve developed feelings and gotten attached to this guy over time, which is a very human and dare I say *normal* experience. You say that he treats you like garbage, which is totally unacceptable and not your fault. No one should treat you that way, assuming you’re not behaving like trash. I’d suggest we bury this fossil back into the ground where he came from.

You ask what you did wrong that led to the inversion of your dynamic. Do you want to be aggressively pursued by someone you’re lukewarm about? It’s great to give people a chance if we’d otherwise rule them out for superficial reasons (like their height or what school they went to), and I’m sure Mr. Fossil has some redeeming qualities, but we shouldn’t keep seeing him just because it feels good to be chased. In fact, in the worst case scenario, an aggressive pursuit could be a manipulative tactic known as love bombing. Rather than preserving the dynamic you had before, maybe we can find a healthier, more mutual dynamic with someone new.

How do we do that? In the early stages of dating someone, you can take it slow. Getting to know someone through conversation and having sex are two emotionally risky activities that create feelings of attachment. But one of these activities can help you decide if you want to date the person, and the other can be a false positive. Good sex doesn’t necessarily lead to healthy relationships.

I’m not saying you should stop having sex, just that it can cloud your judgement about a person. When you inevitably do have sex, ideally you discuss what you expect from each other regarding things like communication and how often you’d like to see each other. Otherwise, what you’re doing is functionally polyamory but without any of the communication or trust that poly relationships require to be successful.

Anyway, I didn’t exactly mean to go on a tirade about sex, but to bring us back–it’s 👏🏽  not 👏🏽 your 👏🏽  fault 👏🏽  that you were treated like this. Drop his Jurassic Park ass back into prehistoric times and find somebody who treats you like treasure, not trash.

-randa

How do I go from a booty call to something more?

Reply Guy: This whole thing is reminding me a lot of a passage from the updated intro of Noam Chomsky and Edward Herman’s manufacturing consent. In the roughly 15 pages I read, Chomsky points out that major media outlets will pose certain questions that are impossible to disagree with. The example he gives is something like “do you support our troops?”. The idea I think is that simply asking the question is already shifting the debate arena into a certain direction. Anyway… that is what is happening here. The question is not, how do I go from a booty call to something more….the question is how do I make the best of the insane (but randomly cool and exhilarating) predicament of sleeping with someone who I’ve never like, seen chew food before? And to that, I’d say maybe try weird sex positions or something.

Handsome Hitchhiker: While I think you are constructing your own little media manipulation scheme by forcing us to compare the question “how do I go from a booty call to something more” to “do you support the troops'' under the guise of Chomskian analysis, I actually do completely agree with where you end up. I think the entire world can be reduced to two types of people: people who like to have sex BEFORE they’ve seen somone chew food and people that feel more connected during sex AFTER they’ve seen their partner chew food. If you are finding yourself not comfortable in a booty call setup, you probably fall into that latter bucket. Ask them out and if they say no or dub you, it means they don’t want to see you chew your food 

RG: Ok but what about this, nobody likes having sex with people they sort of dont really know. But the BCIC dangles this option of casual sex and gives it this fun little name. This is classic propaganda model stuff.

HH: What does BCIC stand for?

RG: Booty Call Industrial Complex. Its shorthand for a cabal of powerful people and organizations (Hillary Clinton, etc.) that are determined to keep us booty calling

HH: Got it... so we’re clear, I totally disagree with you about people not liking casual sex. I’ll say this, even if booty calls are a propagandistic crusade by elite technocrats, i do think that managing the profound dread that surrounds communication and casual sex is a very real human experience. The biggest piece of ideology in all of this for me is the narrative that in order to be perceived as cool, we have to take pleasure in booty calling/being booty called, which sucks because it is kind of true, as you said earlier. It is definitely aesthetically cool. It’s so fucked up. It’s also such a fucked up sounding little word

RG: I wish I could revirginize

the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out next year. in the meantime, follow hot singles on instagram:

follow @hotsinglesnyc on IG

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles @hotsinglesnyc • follow randa @mostlyvibing • follow your dreams 😘

it’s time for round 2 of the monthly advice column. with halloween coming up, i went spooky with it–we’re talking about ghosting. i also throw in some tips for meeting people IRL. and since he was such a hit last time, Reply Guy is back to help us deal with jealousy. have a question you want me to answer? click here.

stay hot 🥵

-randa

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help me randa!!!

after a post-covid-adrenaline-fueled hinge marathon, i finally decided to do romance the old-fashioned way, meeting friends of friends at parties. 

anyway, it worked - got some numbers, made some new friends, kissed some guys and gals. but i keep hitting the same wall. after they show interest (say, a simple make out sesh followed by the winking TEXT ME TOMORROW), they just ghost. 

i get it: we’re young, people ghost, i do it too sometimes. but i’m used to being ghosted BEFORE people show interest. i can take a hint and i’ve been a part of enough one-night things where i don’t read too much into a kiss and run anymore. but it’s happened a few times now, where i get a lot of enthusiasm off the bat, then go out on a limb and text my friends roommate, or whoever, just to get no response. and no, i’m not texting them long paragraphs at like 9 AM the next day. 

what can i do, randa! is my text follow-up game no good? does a post-party smooch signal “i’m not serious” to people? do i just give off intimidatingly serious husband vibes? help!

lots of love,

casper the friendly ghosted

Hey Casper,

It’s sooooo admirable that you took it upon yourself to meet people IRL. Everybody loves to complain about how the apps suck, but not many of us actually take action. Big fuckin kudos to you. I hope everyone reading this is inspired by your example.

I would not take this ghosting bonanza as a pattern implying that you do something to scare people off. Based on this fun and well-written message you sent me, I expect your text follow-up game to be pretty damn good. And what’s wrong with smooching after a party? I can’t say whether you give off “intimidatingly serious husband vibes,” but if you are looking for a serious relationship, then it’s great that your energy matches your intentions. Your vibe attracts your tribe ;)

One change you could make is to literally ask the person out at the party instead of smooching and texting them the next day. What if you do a lil post-party makeout, and then say, “Hey, are you free this week, maybe Tuesday night? Wanna get a drink with me?” I bet you’d be able to get a better read on the situation by seeing their reaction in the moment instead of waiting by your phone. But hey, they might still agree to a date, and then ghost. Sometimes you’re just two ships passing in the night.

What else can you do? Culturally, we’re kinda starved for third spaces–public places where people go to just hang out. I have a handful of friends who are above-average friendly who go to the same bar all the time and chat it up with the regular crew, but most people don’t do that.

So how does this fit into your life? You need to harness the energy of an overzealous 22 year old who just moved to the city. Join a kickball team. Take clown classes. Ask your barista what their sign is. Muster up the courage to talk to those people doing Capoeira at the park. The point is to put yourself in a space where you’ll meet new people and get to know them over an extended period of time. Most of the stuff you try won’t stick and you’ll probably meet a bunch of weirdos in the process, but you might meet some cuties too.

Sorry this is mom-level advice but… it’s kinda back to basics human connection stuff. Sitting at home or hanging out with the same friends all the time and then avoiding eye contact with strangers is not how you meet a love interest. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but it seems like you’re embedded in this spooky community of friendly ghosts, and we’ve gotta break the spell somehow.

-randa

I get jealous when my boyfriend is around other beautiful women. What should I do?

Great question...one way to overcome jealousy is to know more than your partner about the zenith of “post woke” or “post woke adjacent” media coming out of Dimes Square right now. It's certainly a circuitous path to overcoming jealousy, but it WORKS! How? Easy. Next time your boyfriend is talking to a hot girl, all you need to do is say something like “yea I heard the scary 61st was transformative and kind of nu-punk” and all the hot girls will talk to you instead of your boyfriend. If that doesn’t work, you can allude to your boyfriend recently retweeting a dan pfeiffer take or that he is like following barack obama on instagram. Hot girls hate this kind of thing. 

- Reply Guy (@lexaprotools)

the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out on november 24th. tell me your cuffing szn anxieties:

ask a question

hotsingles.nyc FAQ • get featured • get advice from Help me, Randa! • follow hot singles @hotsinglesnyc • follow randa @mostlyvibing • follow your dreams 😘

i’m super excited to share the first edition of the monthly advice column. this is very much an experiment, so i’d love to hear what y’all think–reply and let me know :)

this week i’m helping a 24 y/o hottie who thrives alone, but feels a little lonely. i also called in hot singles alum Reply Guy to give his first date tips. have a question you want me to answer? click the big orange button ⬇️

ask a question

stay hot 🥵

-randa

i am 24, single, always have been, and seemingly always will be (my dating life is bleak if not non-existent). i do want to be in a relationship someday, but i also have become SO used to and comfortable with the life i've built for myself (with myself) that trying to factor in another person into my routine/habits/lifestyle seems daunting and maybe impossible (and maybe even thinking about this is a waste of time because i have, well, no prospects). so i guess therein lies my dilemma – i am lonely and crave partnership, but at the same time terrified that i won't be able to thrive in it. where do i go from here?

First of all, congrats on building a satisfying lifestyle at 24 (I know, not fully satisfying)–to be so young and have your shit together is rare and something to be proud of. Do you remember learning about inertia? A body in motion stays in motion? A body at rest stays at rest? You’re probably experiencing some of that when it comes to how you think about dating.

Considering that you seem content with the life you’ve built, I have to assume that you’re a go-getter who has gotten through a tough situation or two. You say factoring in another person seems daunting and maybe impossible. But you’ve made shit happen for yourself before, so why is this any different?

You clearly value your independence, so you won't get into a relationship unless it feels easy to fit into your life. You might be surprised at how smoothly you can slip into something meaningful when you’ve met the right person. You’ll figure out how to maintain aspects of your lifestyle, routine, and habits, while also integrating your partner into these things. You’re probably going to have to compromise in certain ways, but for most of the human race, these compromises are worth the connection, support, and joy that you get from being with somebody who really understands you. 

I’m a big fan of trying on beliefs to get myself to do something for some temporary amount of time. Why not make a conscious choice to test out a new belief–that you would be able to thrive in a relationship, that it might even enhance your experience of life?

You might find that a shift in perspective (some call this “manifesting”) will lead you to meeting someone who is worth a little bit of compromise. And they might add something new to your life that you never could have experienced alone.

Now, if you’re still with me, you might be thinking, “Okay Randa, sure, I’ll change my attitude, but I don’t believe in ‘manifesting’ and I told you that my dating life is bleak and I have no prospects.” I’ll save my dating app tips and ways to meet strangers for another time, but I will share something that I say to all my friends lamenting their lack of IRL romantic attention.

Many of us suffer from this expectation that someone is just going to pick us out of a lineup (or the subway, or a party) and say, “You! I want to date you!” When that doesn’t happen, we tell ourselves that something is wrong and we’ll be alone forever. I’m here to tell you that being approached randomly like that only happens to people with exceptionally symmetrical faces or really cool outfits, and even when it does happen, the odds that the person approaching is actually a good match are still low.

For those who are still holding out to meet someone the “old fashioned way,” I’ll leave you with this:

What questions should I ask on a first date?

When asking a question on a first date it’s all about options. You have no idea which kind of insane person is sitting next to you drinking a Peruvian twist on a traditional Gimlet. So always have a backup plan. Ask a question like “what do you think of new gawker?” and if they look at you like they have no idea what you just said, repeat something that sounds similar but is a more palatable question like “so, do you feel like a new yawrker?”. Maybe try something like “this place reminds me of Clandestino” and if they are confused, pivot to “what are your thoughts on Childish Gambino?”. This type of thing works really well.

- Reply Guy (@lexaprotools)

the next edition of Help me, Randa! comes out on october 27th. let’s make it spooky:

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hey hotties!

have you ever heard “Help Me, Rhonda” by The Beach Boys? no? you’re not a boomer? the song is about a guy with a broken heart who asks a woman named Rhonda to help him get over his ex. i won’t be your rebound, but i do want to help you. that’s why i’m launching…

Help me, Randa!, an advice column by hotsingles.nyc

i’ll be answering your anonymous questions about being single, dating, and navigating relationships. no question is too spicy or too sweet–as with the weekly hot single, a diversity of topics, experiences, and personalities is encouraged. on the last wednesday of every month, i’ll send out a response to my favorite question.

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i’m excited to hear from you all! the first issue of Help me, Randa! goes out a week from today: september 29th.

stay hot 🥵

-randa